WARNING: this is a poor, poor pitiful me post.
OK, I'm having a bit of a meltdown right now. I usually just grin and bear it- and it hopefully passes without anyone getting hurt. I had recently been on the verge of my depressive feelings, but today something sent me over the edge. Whenever we get announcements of people's impending nuptials, I do not look. Mom sometimes doesn't even tell me. I have been this way for quite a while. If any of you know me well enough, you know I don't attend bridal showers or open houses or receptions for people younger than me. I cannot deal with it. It makes me feel like a complete loser. So today, when I opened the piece of mail...I immediately kicked myself in the rear for looking at it. Afterwards, driving down the road, I looked in the mirror to see the dreaded ugly cry of my niece, Cadyn....(of course, she inherited it from me).
Not too long ago, I asked a friend if she knew the absolute worst part of being single. She offered a suggestion & I agreed that while her answer was a bad part of being single...I thought mine was worse. The ABSOLUTE worst part of being single is knowing that NO ONE wants you. This is a thought, and a reality that I face every day. No one wants me, or my daughter. No one wants me to be theirs, to take care of me and to allow me to take care of them.
The thing is- I don't understand what it is about me that is so repulsive to men. I'm not mean, I am not stupid, I am not lazy, I'm not ugly, I can carry on a respectable conversation, I try to help those less fortunate than myself, I try to live a Christ-centered life. (Oh- I also think I'm a fun person.) I have had girlfriends in the past suggest that I "dumb-it-down" when I first meet a guy. What the crap? Seriously? How am I supposed to dumb-it-down? And if that is what a man needs to make him feel like a man, would I seriously want to be with him? If he can't carry on a conversation that is intellectually stimulating? That would prove to be a terribly exciting long-term relationship, wouldn't it? And the thing is, I'm NOT that smart. Sheesh!
How on earth did I get to be 33 and still be single? I NEVER thought that would be me. I did everything I was taught to do. Still, no blessings of a companion. (I think that is why I made the poor decisions I made, when I got pregnant. I gave up. I mean, I was nearly 30!) Let me tell you, it is quite difficult to go to church every Sunday, looking at everyone sitting with their husbands. It makes me feel like...well...I can't appropriately verbalize how it makes me feel. Sufficeth it to say "bad".
This feeling of knowing that no one wants me is only intensified by having a child. I want my daughter to have someone who WANTS to be her dad. It makes my heart ache for her that no one wants me, therefore she does not have a dad.
Have I droned on enough now? Are you all rolling your eyes at me? I know. Please forgive this little whining. I may even delete it so there will be no evidence of my breakdown.
Poor, poor pitiful me.
3 comments:
Don't delete it. This is true to the moment, and that's good. I can't stand it when someone announces they're pregnant again. Sometimes I cry for days. I can't help it.
I don't know what to say here. You are an intelligent, funny, loving, sexy woman, and you will make someone very happy one day. Our timetable is, unfortunately, not always the Lord's timetable for us. And that totally sucks sometimes.
I'm gonna go out on a limb here since I'm far enough away that you can't slap me, but have you tried LDS Mingles or eHarmony? Or is it a leper colony out there? I know a few LDS gals that met their spouses like that. On the websites, not in a leper colony. :)
I'm just so sorry. I would give you a hug and then eat ice cream with you if I were there!
Oh Shandy, how I hear and feel your pain. How I managed to get married just before I turned 30 baffles me. I had all those same exact feelings. I look at John sometimes I think, "what is wrong with you that you actually wanted me?" I was that used to feeling alone and rejected. All I know is I was supposed to wait FOR John. You are waiting for your husband and he will find you and you him. Don't you dare settle for anyone below you. I'll hunt you down and kill you. We'll talk.
i just came across your blog & i really admire your honesty!!
just remember God has a special plan for you, & he won't let you down. : )
hugs,
Anna
Post a Comment